As a continuation of our line editing post (found here), below are some samples designed to highlight the specific flaws we look for when we do line edits. Read this first section and see if you can pick out what’s going wrong in each snippet as relevant to each title.
Tone
Samantha sat on a flannel blanket her sister had made. She meticulously set out her lunch—a simple but scrumptious peanut butter sandwich, granola bar, apple, and her favorite sparkling water. She tried to focus on the warm spring breeze, instead of the ticking clock of her lunch hour.
“Get it done today, or don’t come back tomorrow,” Toby had said.
At first, anger had flushed through her, knitting into the crease between her eyebrows. But as the day went on, the feeling withered into despair. There was just no way she was going to get that presentation done today.
Cracking open her fizzy drink, Samantha let the sun warm her face. She smiled at a chattering squirrel and tossed her apple toward the base of the tree for him to enjoy.
Wordiness / Redundancies
The hat was too… quaint, Jade decided. She threw it down on the floor amongst the other.
“Tiffany!” she squalled, “I need another!” Before Jade even finished her sentence, the stylist was bounding up the stairs, balancing another five hat boxes. She laid the containers neatly on the bed and stepped back so Jade could examine them.
“This one’s like that one from aunt Sue. I don’t like it. This one’s too quaint. No. This one’s the opposite of what I want. No, no, no.” Jade put her hands on her hips and squinted at Tiffany. “You know what I need? I need Bella to change her mind so I can wear grandma’s cloche.
“She can just wear a sunhat anyway. That’s what she usually does. No reason to change now, right?”
“Yes, miss,” Tiffany said.
“Just take all these back. Tell the shop I changed my mind. But I should think about new shoes for the outing. Come back with some sandals for me to try on. Make them strappy and feminine and better than Bella’s.”
Dialogue
“Mom, have you seen my headphones?”
“No, Mia, I have not.”
“Can you help me look?”
“No. I understand you have computer class today, but as you’ll remember, we’ve talked about you taking responsibility for your own things and agreed you’d keep your room straight.”
“But I don’t like making my bed.”
“Well, I don’t like making your bed either, Mia.”
“What? Fine. Not that bad anyway. But I don’t, um, know where the clean sheets are. It’s fine.”
Flow
Every time Harlan planned to go to the docks, it rained. Which meant he had to wear the rubber yellow raincoat that he felt made him look like a serial killer.
On the pier, the salmon guy said he was out for the day. So did the tuna guy.
Harlan plopped on a bench and let the water patter on his hat since he couldn’t feel it anyway. The salmon guy was always pretty rude. But the tuna guy was nice. Harlan noticed the shrimp guy wasn’t even out today.
Back home, with the TV on low and his raincoat up to dry, Harlan couldn’t shake the nasty attitude from the salmon guy. His name was Bert. He had too many tattoos and yellow teeth.
Harlan wasn’t sure he’d go back to Bert.
Clarity / Consistency
Landon tipped his chin toward the clearance shelf. “I’ll give you twenty for that.”
“It’s a hundred,” the shopkeeper said, bemused.
“Yeah, but it’s been sitting a while. Come on, you and I go way back.”
The shopkeeper pretended not to hear him.
“Thirty,” Landon countered.
“I said it’s a hundred. You shorted me a five last week.”
“Okay, fine. A hundred and five.”
“Deal.” The shopkeeper unlocked the cabinet and shuffled around inside.
“Gee, won’t Mom be surprised!” Landon practically skipped out of the shop, on his way to pick out gift wrap.
Pacing
John ran unsteadily over the mounded rocks. The box car ahead of him was picking up speed and outpacing him. He could hear Gary’s footsteps coming hard on his heels.
“Jump for it,” Gary huffed.
But John knew he couldn’t make that. It was too far of a leap and the rocks were so unstable. “I won’t make it,” he shouted back at Gary.
Gary pivoted onto the wooden slats of the track and pushed himself into a full sprint, his arms pumping hard. Those were the same ultra-muscular arms that had always done more pullups in high school than John.
John had just never been as strong as Gary. Nor as fast.
Accelerating forward, passing John, Gary got within arm’s reach of the speeding train. He reached out, gave one last umph in his legs, and latched onto the support bar.
Then, a wayward rock tilted under John’s shoe and his ankle rolled in on itself. He collapsed onto the ground, looking back up just in time to see Gary speeding away.
Below are the same snippets, but with commentary on how we would change the problem areas.
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