This writing sample comes from author John P. Safranski who is writing with some characters already familiar to his readers.
It’s a draft of a new story, so we’re looking to see if it will hook readers and give them the information they need to accompany the characters on an adventure.
Let’s edit.
Story Opening
Lorne’s fist struck the keyboard and mousepad with force, disrupting the soft crackling of the apartment’s fireplace soundtrack. "Dammit! This bloody computer keeps trying to put words in my mouth, but it doesn’t understand what I’m trying to convey."
Because this is science fiction, readers will immediately look for clues as to where and when we are. This paragraph gives us a few conflicting clues—a soundtrack of fireplace noise makes us think future, but the mousepad is dated. Streamline the details to the exact picture you want to give readers.
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